Just Stand - Life Update
Just Stand
LIFE UPDATE
It has been almost one year since my engagement ended. In some ways, this year has gone by slowly and in other ways, it seems like this all just happened. While I don’t regret the decision I made, and know it was the right one, there is still a heaviness. Just because we make a good decision doesn’t mean that it doesn’t simultaneously come with a lot of hard.
I normally do not share these personal things on my blog and spend more time talking about trends, food, and travel (all the fun things). I am a fairly private person, and I am very cautious with what I share and who I share with. But I also want to be somewhat transparent and never let people only see the” pretty” and fun of my life but to also share my heart and allow myself the space to be vulnerable.
My birthday is today, and I am in Maine. I am choosing to take this little adventure on my own. I have never spent my birthday without friends and family, but it feels very healing to be doing this. I am a person who heals best when I am in surroundings that speak to my heart. And I often need time alone. I spend so much time with others and while I love that I also crave my “me” time. Last August, after my break-up, I went to North Carolina for a few days by myself. And while parts of being there by myself were hard it was also very good for me. There is something about solitude in a beautiful place that I find very therapeutic.
Maine is one of my absolute favorite places and was the place I used to go to with my ex-fiancé often as he also loves it. I spent my birthday there two years ago. We spent one of his birthdays there as well as many other trips. And last year when I was looking for a place to go, I thought about Maine, but it was too hard for me to go there since that was a place I always thought of as mine and his. But a year later I am feeling stronger, and I haven’t been back since the last time I was there with him so I am ready!
These last 365 days have had a lot of good and have also brought with them lots of tears. This is not the place I had hoped to be, but I am trying not to lose heart and to be hopeful. I continue to see my counselor and started working with a career coach a couple of months ago. I have taken two incredible trips overseas (Dubai/ Oman/ Israel), been skiing in Colorado, a family trip to the beach as well as a lot of great little weekends and day trips….and the year is only half over! I have started dating again and while I have yet to meet my person, I still believe with all my heart that he is out there, and he will be brought into my life soon! Beyond my recent ex-fiancé, I have suffered some heartache in the dating world that took me by surprise, and it was really hard to get past. If I am being honest, I am still healing from it. I just signed another year lease on my apartment in NY as I continue to figure out just exactly the best place for me to ultimately put roots down.
I have six months left this year and I have big plans! I mentioned above a lot of good and hard things have happened in these past six months, but I am hopeful the remainder of summer and the rest of the year will be good. There will be a lot of positive things and I am excited for the adventures and possibilities that are to come. Learning to be joyful (very different from happy), positive and hopeful does not come easy. They are things that are learned and things I get wrong often. There are many days I struggle to have any of the three, but I recently read something that really resonated with me (and I even posted it on stories) and that is “After you’ve done all you can, just stand”. And so today I am just trying to stand. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to stand with ease and walk with joy. But right now, I am just picking up my cross and taking a step (standing).
I have been blessed with incredible relationships in my life. Amazing friends, the most loving and supportive family. I have people I can ugly cry to and they will not judge me but only love me and encourage me through it. I have people in my life that speak the hard truth and don’t just tell me what I want to hear. And while my faith has been shaken in the last couple of months and I have felt very hurt by God I know ‘who’ my God is. I know His love for me and that while He does take away, He also gives. I am working to heal from the hurt and disappointment I have felt and wrestling to get back into the loving and safe arms of my Savior.
